Let's discuss TRUST

On May 10, 2017 I sustained an injury at work.  The attending physician put me off work pending an MRI to discover the full extent of the injury.  I've been waiting for the Workers Compensation process to play itself out ever since.  The down time has provided ample opportunity to think about and analyze various aspects of my life. I have rediscovered a recurring theme -TRUST.

My twitter profile (Timotheus @TJBrown6083) includes the following:  Trust is the glue of life, the most essential ingredient in effective communication. Trust is the foundational principle that holds all relationships together.

I believe this to be true.

The job I had was working as a 1 on 1 aide with a 6 1/2 year old boy with severe developmental and behavioral issues.  The behavioral issues being so bad they usually precluded any attempt to work with him on developmental issues. I only shared 4 days with the young lad before the injury prevented me from working but in that time (and since) the lasting impression I had was one of TRUST.  That is, the student could not be trusted. More importantly, the student did not trust anybody.

We shall call the student, "Addison".

When I arrived for my first day of working with Addison I felt isolated from everything going on around me. In a classroom of developmentally and behaviorally challenged students I was not provided a list of classroom rules and was given only the merest of expectations.  I found the space Addison and I would work from to be isolated from all other students, the classroom teacher and other aide. Addison did not even have a proper desk as the other students did. I was most curious about this isolation and determined to be open minded about what I was observing.  Another way to state this would be to say I wasn't sure who or what to trust.

My welcome into the classroom by the other adults was cold.  Not even an introduction to provide me the names of the adults I would be working with. It was basically, "this is your space. Here's a binder and a few books Addison can work on" and that was it. Well, okay then. I was going to have to learn on the fly which means I would be making a lot of mistakes.  I'm good with that. Mistakes are a great way to learn.  I have written articles posted on this blog about the value of making and learning from mistakes. Mistakes do not intimidate me. I embrace mistakes. I learn from mistakes.  I move on from mistakes.

The challenge working with "Addison" presented was gaining his trust. This is not unlike working with a new soccer team. Establishing trust is the first step. Building a working relationship based on trust is the next step.  Honesty is paramount to developing trust. We have to be able to trust the communication we have with others. That's where relationship building begins ... and can end.

To be perfectly honest, the relationship I had with the school system in terms of non-coaching employment was in distress.  I had tried to obtain a full-time position, any position, for several months. Bus driver, cook, custodian, grounds, paraprofessional, substitute work, any number of administrative jobs to no avail. Communication from the school system was inconsistent at best and at its worst was downright deceitful.  It wasn't until 6-7 months into the process that I began to figure out how to play their game. Then, I was "hired" on three different occasions without the school actually following through and awarding me a position. Internal politics and union contracts seemed to play a strong role. Regardless, a lack of effective communication from the school to me regarding these situations was eroding my trust in them.

I relate this not as sour grapes. It was what it was, but what it was was not good.  I had the distinct impression I was awarded the one on one position with Addison with great reluctance on the part of the supervisor.  They had no one else to work with him. I was the last gasp to get them through the school year.  I feel I was treated accordingly. All this went into building a relationship with Addison.

Addison was isolated in the classroom. Physically he sat apart from everyone else.  Addison was also isolated developmentally as he was a minimum of 2-3 years behind his classmates. Addison was isolated at lunch as we were forced to sit by ourselves at a table away from everyone else. Addison and I even rode the bus to and from school by ourselves. This child was alone. In that, we were alone together.

Addison and I built a rapport fairly quickly.  He tested me to see what limits I would set. We got in trouble together when my limits did not mesh with the established classroom limits. How was I to know what those limits were without communication from the teacher or other aide?  These became bonding moments for Addison and I. We got in trouble together. We took the consequences and moved on, together.  How I responded to adversity became important to Addison and he usually followed my lead.

At the end of that first (and only) week (due to injury) with Addision I was informed it was the best week he had had all school year. This was attributed to my being a man.  A backhanded compliment, I suppose. I was also dressed down for not following classroom rules and not being a team player.  I took the criticism even while thinking of how difficult it was to be a team player without knowing the team members, their goals, their mission, their system of play and most specifically what my exact role was supposed to be. Lack of effective communication had scuttled my ability to be a team player.

So, last fall was my first year as head coach at the school. We achieved the best record in many a year and people took notice.  I was not satisfied due to believing we had left as many as 4 wins on the field. Instead of 10-4-3 I felt we could have been 14-4-0.  Why the discrepancy?  TRUST.  Much of the year was a battle of wills from a lack of full buy-in of the system to the changes in culture we were instituting.  Despite my best efforts to define and communicate expectations, roles and responsibilities there was reticence present especially amongst a certain group who wanted to do things their way instead of the team way. On some level, they did not trust the process.

I knew this coming fall would see more of the same unless I cut the cancers from the program. If I cut the cancers from the program the team's record might suffer. So why even consider cutting three of the better skilled players from the team?  Because effective communication demands give and take.  When players refuse to respond to communication from the coach, it isn't so much about disrespect towards the coach as it is disrespect towards the team. No way are we all going to like one another, but we should be able to respect one another. That's what being a team member is all about - the ability to work cooperatively together towards a common goal.  I knew it would take another season (and maybe three more) of turmoil before the program fully turned the corner unless certain student athletes matured and put conscious effort into building trusting relationships with teammates and coaches.

As I have reflected on life while laid up these past several weeks TRUST has been a recurring theme. Just this morning I received a call / message from my father-in-law who wanted to know if he could mow our yard since I am unable to do so due to my injured knee.  On the surface, this is a nice gesture and I suppose I should accept it as such and leave it at that except past history raises red flags. I have never enjoyed a good relationship with my in-laws. I have never felt I was welcomed into their family. More like I have been tolerated to some small degree.  There is a long history of me asking the in-laws for help doing something or other with always a negative response if they respond at all.  If we, my wife and family, seek assistance from my in-laws and expect them to actually help, my wife must be the one to initiate that conversation. If I initiate it, all I will have accomplished is wasting my breath.

Lack of effective communication.

Lack of TRUST.

I have no idea why my in-laws are non-responsive to me. They don't like me? I'm not good enough for their daughter?  There has never been direct communication from them to me regarding this.  I hear things through the small town grapevine and even through family channels now and again but never has there been direct, effective communication and so there is no trust.

An unsolicited offer of help from my in-laws? Did my wife put him up to this? I immediately begin to wonder what their agenda is?  I suspect it might have to do with an offer to pay for an MRI on my knee?  I only say this because my wife made mention of such. I'm not sure if she approached them or if they approached her with the idea. I just know I was not in the communication loop until after details were worked out.  I'm not inclined to be beholding to the in-laws given the past 35 +/- years of dealing with them.

In reflections on situations as the ones related here my mind often returns to sports. This has been the case over these past several weeks. In a general sense, teams underachieve, play to potential or overachieve.  The underlying reason for a teams performance can be traced back to TRUST and the relative level of effectiveness in communication that has been established, nurtured and grown.

The very best teams I have been around in sports and life have had excellent communication and abundant trust.  The most unsatisfying team experiences I have been associated with always revolve around suspicion, distrust, poor communication.  A lesson learned is to not devote time, energy and other resources to people and situations that are mired in ineffective communication and distrust.

We are not always successful no matter the effort we might put into developing an effective relationship. It's okay to recognize mistakes even if said mistake is in the form of "wasted" or ineffective effort.  Step back. Regroup. Find the silver lining. Learn.  Get back into the game of life.

That's where I am now.

I gave up worrying about being accepted by the in-laws years ago because I have no control over them. It's easier on me to limit or restrict interactions with them. I am generally cordial with them and supportive when needed. I control these things.

I also cannot control the Lima City Schools. It took forever to get a foot in the door for non-coaching employment. They are fighting the Workers Compensation approval for an MRI and treatment of my knee. Why?  I do not know. They have not communicated with me. I have attempted communication with them on multiple levels and no one from Lima City Schools has responded.  Now we communicate through lawyers.  I find that bizarre, but out of my control.  I am moving on.

Those truly special teams I have been a part of?  Parkmore Little League basketball, St. Matthew Men's softball, NBC - Tech Men's basketball, Sumeno's, Botkins Soccer, the Grand Lake United 2012-14 soccer team. They all revolved around effective communication and a strong bond of trust forged in respect and overcoming adversity together.

Trust is the glue of life, the most essential ingredient in effective communication. Trust is the foundational principle that holds all relationships together.

When trust is absent, either through being broken or never being properly established, there will be a struggle.  Trust, once broken, can be extremely difficult to reestablish.  This is why the divorce rate is so high. It is why sports teams are constantly trading, waiving and searching for new players. The absence of trust often drives change for the sake of change.  I just cannot emphasize enough the importance of TRUST in sports and in Life itself.

Why Effective Communication is Important.

Communication is a process through which information is exchanged between individuals or a group of individuals. In order for communication to be effective the thoughts, intentions and objectives must be conveyed in as accurate, clear and concise manner as possible. Communication can be considered effective or successful only when both the sender and the receiver understand the information exchanged in a like manner.

I recall an instance a few years back when an assistant coach of mine decided he wanted to be the head coach.  His message to me was that he wanted to be head coach of "a" team. What he really wanted was to be the head coach of  "our" team.  I knew, or at least strongly suspected, what his true intentions were but responded to the information he actually conveyed and offered to help find him a team for which he could be head coach.  His entire message was open to misinterpretation due to his choice of a single word.  There was an error in his message that led to frustration, distrust and relative disaster in terms of a team being split up.

When I first began coaching the Internet did not exist. When organizing a team there would be a lot of preliminary telephoning to relay information.  I learned to provide clear concise information on a limited basis when speaking on the phone.  I then followed up with written information passed along in a group setting. If the information was distributed to players instead of parents, I required a parental signature on a perforated piece attached to the paper holding the information be returned to me.  It was a bit cumbersome process on the whole, but effective and meaningful nonetheless.

With the advent of email, communication became much more efficient and timely.  I asked for "read receipts" and if I did not get one I followed up with a phone call. In effect, I trained non-responsive parents and players to respond as I wished them to insuring the messages I sent were at least received.

In a strange twist of fate the very tool that sped up effective communication has now come to hinder the process. There are available Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Hula and any number of other social media sites that can be used to convey information between parties. Most of these medias are limited in some fashion.  For example, 140 characters maximum on Twitter.

In recent months one of my sons was looking for a team to play for this spring.  Coincidentally, a number of players from a team he has guest played for in the past reached out to him via Twitter at about the same time.  I encouraged my son to explore the opportunity with the caveat of determining costs before fully accepting any offer to play.  It seems the teams head coach then began communicating directly with my son via Twitter as well.  Mutual interest was expressed in continuing to explore the possibility of my son joining the team.

This process began to drag on and despite both the coach and team manager having my email address from previous correspondence neither communicated directly with me by this means. I did initiate contact with both the coach and team manager in an attempt to establish written lines of communication. After a couple of months I had still not received written notification of actual final costs involved with my son joining the team.  Everything received concerning financial and time obligations came to me by third party either through my son or parents of other prospective players.  And the numbers I did finally begin to receive from the coach and or team mangager varied substantially from those provided by third parties.   It was only after declining the opportunity to join the team that more effective written communication began to take place.

There are many lessons to be learned from this most recent debacle.

1) Do not assume anything.  I expected to be communicated with in written form. That is, I expected an exchange of information via email.  The head coach, team manager, players and parents of this team evidently use Twitter as a primary means to communicate.  I did not know this. No one associated with the team "followed" me or asked me to "follow" them on Twitter. 

2) Know what you want to communicate.  I asked for specific and final costs for participating.  What I received were wide ranging estimates.  To date, I still do not know what the final costs owed to club / team would have been.

3) Know your audience and how to effectively communicate to them.  I asked for specific information to be provided in a written format (email).  Email has been the established means of communication between the head coach, the team administrator and myself for several years now.  This is how we communicated concerning league matters, directions and acquiring guest players. For whatever reason that form of communication suffered a serious breakdown.

4) Listen (or comprehend what is written) to the reply.   I looked for clues that my message had been comprehended. I saw nebulous signs of comprehension in the fact general estimates were provided without explanation as to why specifics were not given.  I tried again to communicate my desire and need for full disclosure of costs associated with participating in the club and on the team to no avail. Again, to this date I still do not know what these might have been.

5) Effective communication results in an agreement being reached that information shared has been received and understood.  The agreement might come in part or in whole. There might be full agreement and compliance or there might exist a general understanding or even a consensus understanding with specific details yet to be worked out. In these cases, effective communication might well result in a compromise.

6) Even ineffective communication, or no communication at all, will result in an agreement be it stated or implied. As it pertains to the situation being discussed here, because the two parties involved were unable to effectively communicate with one another an opportunity was lost and a friendship damaged, perhaps irreparably so.  This was the agreement reached because we could not find common ground in communicating with one another. I insisted on written communication so as to have a record.  There was reluctance to convey specific information to me which led to suspicions arising on my part.  The resulting impasse is the agreement by default that was reached.

Guidelines for Effective Communication

* Know who your target audience is and how they best receive or are most receptive to receiving information.

* Establish clear guidelines for how exchanges of information will be communicated.

* Know what you wish to communicate and be accurate, clear and concise in doing so.

* Communicate with clear and intended purpose. Stay focused on the information or the message you wish to convey.

* Know how to best communicate the desired information to your intended audience.

* Be proactive, or at least prompt, in communicating.

Effective Communication

Poor construct and poor delivery in  communication

 

can lead to

 

misinterpretations and misunderstandings.

 

Ineffective communication,

 

can turn well intentioned effort into

 

error, 

 

frustration,

 

distrust,

 

even disaster.