Let's discuss TRUST

On May 10, 2017 I sustained an injury at work.  The attending physician put me off work pending an MRI to discover the full extent of the injury.  I've been waiting for the Workers Compensation process to play itself out ever since.  The down time has provided ample opportunity to think about and analyze various aspects of my life. I have rediscovered a recurring theme -TRUST.

My twitter profile (Timotheus @TJBrown6083) includes the following:  Trust is the glue of life, the most essential ingredient in effective communication. Trust is the foundational principle that holds all relationships together.

I believe this to be true.

The job I had was working as a 1 on 1 aide with a 6 1/2 year old boy with severe developmental and behavioral issues.  The behavioral issues being so bad they usually precluded any attempt to work with him on developmental issues. I only shared 4 days with the young lad before the injury prevented me from working but in that time (and since) the lasting impression I had was one of TRUST.  That is, the student could not be trusted. More importantly, the student did not trust anybody.

We shall call the student, "Addison".

When I arrived for my first day of working with Addison I felt isolated from everything going on around me. In a classroom of developmentally and behaviorally challenged students I was not provided a list of classroom rules and was given only the merest of expectations.  I found the space Addison and I would work from to be isolated from all other students, the classroom teacher and other aide. Addison did not even have a proper desk as the other students did. I was most curious about this isolation and determined to be open minded about what I was observing.  Another way to state this would be to say I wasn't sure who or what to trust.

My welcome into the classroom by the other adults was cold.  Not even an introduction to provide me the names of the adults I would be working with. It was basically, "this is your space. Here's a binder and a few books Addison can work on" and that was it. Well, okay then. I was going to have to learn on the fly which means I would be making a lot of mistakes.  I'm good with that. Mistakes are a great way to learn.  I have written articles posted on this blog about the value of making and learning from mistakes. Mistakes do not intimidate me. I embrace mistakes. I learn from mistakes.  I move on from mistakes.

The challenge working with "Addison" presented was gaining his trust. This is not unlike working with a new soccer team. Establishing trust is the first step. Building a working relationship based on trust is the next step.  Honesty is paramount to developing trust. We have to be able to trust the communication we have with others. That's where relationship building begins ... and can end.

To be perfectly honest, the relationship I had with the school system in terms of non-coaching employment was in distress.  I had tried to obtain a full-time position, any position, for several months. Bus driver, cook, custodian, grounds, paraprofessional, substitute work, any number of administrative jobs to no avail. Communication from the school system was inconsistent at best and at its worst was downright deceitful.  It wasn't until 6-7 months into the process that I began to figure out how to play their game. Then, I was "hired" on three different occasions without the school actually following through and awarding me a position. Internal politics and union contracts seemed to play a strong role. Regardless, a lack of effective communication from the school to me regarding these situations was eroding my trust in them.

I relate this not as sour grapes. It was what it was, but what it was was not good.  I had the distinct impression I was awarded the one on one position with Addison with great reluctance on the part of the supervisor.  They had no one else to work with him. I was the last gasp to get them through the school year.  I feel I was treated accordingly. All this went into building a relationship with Addison.

Addison was isolated in the classroom. Physically he sat apart from everyone else.  Addison was also isolated developmentally as he was a minimum of 2-3 years behind his classmates. Addison was isolated at lunch as we were forced to sit by ourselves at a table away from everyone else. Addison and I even rode the bus to and from school by ourselves. This child was alone. In that, we were alone together.

Addison and I built a rapport fairly quickly.  He tested me to see what limits I would set. We got in trouble together when my limits did not mesh with the established classroom limits. How was I to know what those limits were without communication from the teacher or other aide?  These became bonding moments for Addison and I. We got in trouble together. We took the consequences and moved on, together.  How I responded to adversity became important to Addison and he usually followed my lead.

At the end of that first (and only) week (due to injury) with Addision I was informed it was the best week he had had all school year. This was attributed to my being a man.  A backhanded compliment, I suppose. I was also dressed down for not following classroom rules and not being a team player.  I took the criticism even while thinking of how difficult it was to be a team player without knowing the team members, their goals, their mission, their system of play and most specifically what my exact role was supposed to be. Lack of effective communication had scuttled my ability to be a team player.

So, last fall was my first year as head coach at the school. We achieved the best record in many a year and people took notice.  I was not satisfied due to believing we had left as many as 4 wins on the field. Instead of 10-4-3 I felt we could have been 14-4-0.  Why the discrepancy?  TRUST.  Much of the year was a battle of wills from a lack of full buy-in of the system to the changes in culture we were instituting.  Despite my best efforts to define and communicate expectations, roles and responsibilities there was reticence present especially amongst a certain group who wanted to do things their way instead of the team way. On some level, they did not trust the process.

I knew this coming fall would see more of the same unless I cut the cancers from the program. If I cut the cancers from the program the team's record might suffer. So why even consider cutting three of the better skilled players from the team?  Because effective communication demands give and take.  When players refuse to respond to communication from the coach, it isn't so much about disrespect towards the coach as it is disrespect towards the team. No way are we all going to like one another, but we should be able to respect one another. That's what being a team member is all about - the ability to work cooperatively together towards a common goal.  I knew it would take another season (and maybe three more) of turmoil before the program fully turned the corner unless certain student athletes matured and put conscious effort into building trusting relationships with teammates and coaches.

As I have reflected on life while laid up these past several weeks TRUST has been a recurring theme. Just this morning I received a call / message from my father-in-law who wanted to know if he could mow our yard since I am unable to do so due to my injured knee.  On the surface, this is a nice gesture and I suppose I should accept it as such and leave it at that except past history raises red flags. I have never enjoyed a good relationship with my in-laws. I have never felt I was welcomed into their family. More like I have been tolerated to some small degree.  There is a long history of me asking the in-laws for help doing something or other with always a negative response if they respond at all.  If we, my wife and family, seek assistance from my in-laws and expect them to actually help, my wife must be the one to initiate that conversation. If I initiate it, all I will have accomplished is wasting my breath.

Lack of effective communication.

Lack of TRUST.

I have no idea why my in-laws are non-responsive to me. They don't like me? I'm not good enough for their daughter?  There has never been direct communication from them to me regarding this.  I hear things through the small town grapevine and even through family channels now and again but never has there been direct, effective communication and so there is no trust.

An unsolicited offer of help from my in-laws? Did my wife put him up to this? I immediately begin to wonder what their agenda is?  I suspect it might have to do with an offer to pay for an MRI on my knee?  I only say this because my wife made mention of such. I'm not sure if she approached them or if they approached her with the idea. I just know I was not in the communication loop until after details were worked out.  I'm not inclined to be beholding to the in-laws given the past 35 +/- years of dealing with them.

In reflections on situations as the ones related here my mind often returns to sports. This has been the case over these past several weeks. In a general sense, teams underachieve, play to potential or overachieve.  The underlying reason for a teams performance can be traced back to TRUST and the relative level of effectiveness in communication that has been established, nurtured and grown.

The very best teams I have been around in sports and life have had excellent communication and abundant trust.  The most unsatisfying team experiences I have been associated with always revolve around suspicion, distrust, poor communication.  A lesson learned is to not devote time, energy and other resources to people and situations that are mired in ineffective communication and distrust.

We are not always successful no matter the effort we might put into developing an effective relationship. It's okay to recognize mistakes even if said mistake is in the form of "wasted" or ineffective effort.  Step back. Regroup. Find the silver lining. Learn.  Get back into the game of life.

That's where I am now.

I gave up worrying about being accepted by the in-laws years ago because I have no control over them. It's easier on me to limit or restrict interactions with them. I am generally cordial with them and supportive when needed. I control these things.

I also cannot control the Lima City Schools. It took forever to get a foot in the door for non-coaching employment. They are fighting the Workers Compensation approval for an MRI and treatment of my knee. Why?  I do not know. They have not communicated with me. I have attempted communication with them on multiple levels and no one from Lima City Schools has responded.  Now we communicate through lawyers.  I find that bizarre, but out of my control.  I am moving on.

Those truly special teams I have been a part of?  Parkmore Little League basketball, St. Matthew Men's softball, NBC - Tech Men's basketball, Sumeno's, Botkins Soccer, the Grand Lake United 2012-14 soccer team. They all revolved around effective communication and a strong bond of trust forged in respect and overcoming adversity together.

Trust is the glue of life, the most essential ingredient in effective communication. Trust is the foundational principle that holds all relationships together.

When trust is absent, either through being broken or never being properly established, there will be a struggle.  Trust, once broken, can be extremely difficult to reestablish.  This is why the divorce rate is so high. It is why sports teams are constantly trading, waiving and searching for new players. The absence of trust often drives change for the sake of change.  I just cannot emphasize enough the importance of TRUST in sports and in Life itself.

Sometimes a player's greatest challenge

is coming to grips with his role on the team.

 

Intensity

For one reason or another the words "soft spoken" have been associated with me quite a few times in recent months.  I'm not exactly sure why as I would never describe myself in that manner. I think perhaps people are commenting on my calm demeanor during matches and even during training.  The truth is, I have to work extremely hard to maintain a steady approach - not too high, not too low.  Controlling and channeling my competitiveness into a positive and beneficial direction is a learned behavior for me as anyone exposed to me in my younger days can attest to.

Some years ago while an assistant coach at Lima Shawnee high school we had a very talented player come through by the name of Brandon Morse.  To this day, Brandon remains the best high school player this area has ever produced.  It was pure joy and privilege to watch Brandon every day for four high school seasons.  Amazing skills and a competitive mindset that seems to become rarer as I get older.

By Invitation Only?

Today I wish to share one small secret about youth soccer with you. It is a proven truth with me and I believe it can be for you as well. Let me know what you think.

When I worked with local soccer associations there were always an abundance of players at the U6 and U8 ages.  Enough so that in-house leagues could be held at those ages.  By U10 and U12 the number of participants were in decline and a league with surrounding communities was needed for matches. By U14 the local associations were down to one team in each gender.  Why do so many players leave the youth game?

There are actually a lot of reasons why kids leave the game. Today, I want to discuss one reason only. They do not feel like they belong. They do not feel appreciated, valued, wanted.  While I believe this holds true for both genders it might be particularly true of boys. Allow me to illustrate with a story.

For as long as I can remember our club struggled to field quality teams in the U16 through U19  age groups. Some years it was an issue just to secure enough players to field a team let alone a quality side. The club ran the usual publicized tryouts and as a coach I would scout and recruit for the team with only marginal success. Finally in utter exasperation at attempting to field a U15 team I turned to the core group of players and announced "If we are going to have a team, you will need to find players. And the competitive level we will play at will be determined by the players you bring to the team."  

BINGO!

With the kids recruiting the players we fielded a full team and a decent side. With each succeeding year we had a larger player pool and played at a higher level of play.  The difference was found in the players asking others to join them.  Kids who were not inclined to just show up for open tryouts came when they were invited by their peers. Word spread through the player grapevine to the point where we had nearly 50 U19 players last spring. That is simply an unheard of number for rural west-central Ohio.  There was competition for roster spots and some ended up self selecting when they realized they would not make the "A" team. We ended up with 38 players overall divided amongst two teams.

When a coach with a rival area club asked how we were getting so many players while they struggled to field a lone age appropriate team my answer was simple - our players reached out to others and asked them to join up. I did absolutely nothing aside from close the deal with a few parents in terms of explaining philosophy, expectations and costs.

And I think it significant enough to point out the players themselves were selective. They did not invite just anyone. If they felt a player would not be a good fit for the program, they did not talk with them about playing together. In fact, more than once they selected what many would consider personality or character over talent.

The result was a tight knit group that strung together a 47-8-5 (?) record with league titles, showcase and tournament championships. All the credit goes to the players making others feel welcomed.

Thinking back to those middle school years I remember how everything around me was constantly changing.  From our bodies hitting puberty to who we hung around with. Everyone was seeking places to fit in and even more importantly no one wanted to feel rejected.  Remember being afraid to ask a girl to go out with you?  Or how about those school dances where everyone hung out along a wall because they were afraid they would make a fool of themselves if they danced? I remember our eldest son being a bit reserved until a girl from our church invited him to join a group that hung out together.  That invitation was all it took for him to begin spreading his wings. It gave him confidence in himself knowing he was accepted and wanted as part of that group. It didn't hurt any that the girl was a couple of years older and pretty as well!

I believe our core group of players addressed the insecurities many teen aged boys have when they approached others and asked them to join us. This eliminated the fear of rejection that can be associated with "trying out" and is in general so prevalent in young people.

So what do you think?

Instead of open tryouts would tryouts by invitation only bring out better numbers?  

I know it did for us, but are we an isolated example?

Traits of a Good Coach

A good coach knows results are not the ultimate measure of success in athletics.

Passion For The Game: Coaches need to love the sport they coach and be able to share their enthusiasm for their sport with the players entrusted to them. Their passion must transcend all aspects of the game - the teaching of technique and tactics, respect for the spirit of the game, opponents, officials and spectators and ensuring a positive environment of encouragement and empowerment.

Love of Players:  A coach needs to love working with the players of the age group he coaches. The relationship between coach and player should energize and motivate both parties. It is a relationship to be celebrated in the context of athletics and in the broader spectrum of life.

Knowledge: A coach must be a student of the game. Continuing education is not an option. The moment you think you know everything there is to know about the game is the point in time you should stop coaching.

The Ability to Teach: This is a companion to knowledge. A coach must have an ability to teach the basics fundamentals and deeper intricacies of the game. In order to do so the coach will need to recognize not all players learn in the same manner and be able to adapt lesson / practice plans to keep everyone on the same page.

Patience: This might be the most important trait a coach needs. On the soccer field the decisions players make can evoke emotions ranging from satisfaction to bewilderment to irritation. And then there are the off-the-field issues that can creep into the equation as well. Being able to maintain an even keel is of vital importance for a coach.

Tolerance: Is the companion of patience. Players bring the entire range of emotions with them to practice and the game. Getting them to be able to focus and concentrate on soccer for the time you have them can be a challenge. The ability to enable players to channel their energies in a focused and positive direction on the task at hand (soccer) is a key characteristic found in good coaches.

Acceptance: The third part of the coaching trinity along with Patience and Tolerance is Acceptance. Each player is an individual and each comes with varied potential, technical and tactical skill levels. Each player has value as an individual and as a member of your team. You must acknowledge and nurture that worth in order to spark passion for the sport and a desire to work on improving within each player.

Respect: Treat players with the respect you wish to be treated with. You may think the title of coach brings you respect, but you would be wrong.  Respect is not given or bestowed upon a coach. As a coach you must earn respect just as you expect players to earn your respect.

Motivation: I include motivation in this listing because we so often hear of its importance in athletics, but if we take care of Patience, Tolerance, Acceptance and Respect you will find little difficulty in motivating players... or people.

Sportsmanship:  I include sportsmanship much as I did motivation for if we are patient, tolerant, accepting and respectful it stands to reason we will also exhibit good sportsmanship.

In summation, coaching is about treating people as you would like to be treated while igniting a passion within them to become the best they can be as a player and teammate in the sport they have chosen to participate in. 

When Plans Go Awry

Here is west central Ohio it has been a difficult winter to prepare for the spring soccer season. As we approached our first tournament we had been able to get outside exactly one time. Such was the snow and cold weather this winter.  I'm not complaining. We played indoors and practiced in gyms as we could.  As the weekend of March 15 & 16 approached I made formational, system and lineup plans as best I could.  They night before the tournament began I went so far to script the line ups and rotations for each of the three games we would play that weekend knowing full well I would not stick to the script.

Our first opponent had already played a few games so we were playing catch up from the start, so to speak.  Although they had a much better run of play early we found ourselves up 1 - 0 on a penalty kick.  The opponent quickly asserted itself and won the match 1-3.  They were certainly ahead of us at this point in the season so the loss itself was not disappointing. They way we played did concern me though.

To be honest, there were so many issues to address I struggled to find a starting point.  Thankfully we did not play again until the next day so there was some time to gather my thoughts.  I spoke with various team members and listened to their input, but still struggled with where to begin addressing things. So, I did what I often do in such situations - I said my prayers, went to bed and slept on it. 

When I awoke in the morning I did not go off script, no, I tore the script up and started over.

I had had it in my mind that we would play a 4-5-1 formation with a zonal system defensively and a wide open counter attacking style of play.  We have the wings to do this both in quality and in quantity.  It just didn't click in that first game and the question I ended up struggling with was whether to stick with the script or scrap it in favor of something else.

I had to consider the experience level and soccer IQ of the players we were dealing with.  I do not think I over estimated either, but I also did not factor in the rather limited experience playing in different systems.  "My" system was far different than what most, especially the new additions, were accustomed to. I allow a huge amount of freedom of movement and play. The exchange is the players must take on a huge amount of responsibility for this freedom. In hindsight, I was too ambitious too early in the process.

So, my solution was to scrap the formation while maintaining the zonal defending system. The freedom of movement remained but the rotations were also simplified by reverting to a 4-4-2 formation.  This is a formation predicated more on channels or lanes to align in than is the 4-5-1. It is far easier to understand and requires less thinking in the moment.

We begin clicking in the second game of the tournament.  Although we lost 0 - 2 it was light years better than the first game with credit going to the "new" formation and simplified play with in it.  I would go so far as to say, we were the better team in many facets of the game. Just not in the one that counts the most - the scoreboard.

The third match of the tournament went our way. We played our best match of the tournament against an opponent that had fared well against our two common opponent. We ended up winning 1-0 and generally controlled the run of play. The opponents generated too many chances for my liking, but our goal keepers were up to the task. Our attack missed too many chances but converted on the one we needed to for the win.

A week later we played our first league game.  We were able to practice outside twice and that undoubtedly helped. Still, I was nervous about the match.  To make matters worse we would be missing 4 key players for this match.  We came out strong and although the match was tied 0 - 0 at half there was little doubt about who the better team was that day. The second half things began to click as we scored 3 while maintaining the shutout. 

The point I seek to make to fellow coaches is simply this - when things are not going as expected you face two basic choices: 1) persevere with the belief that what you are doing will work with time or 2) go ahead and admit you might have had it wrong and change things up.

I recall a coaching mentor early in my career who never changed formations or systems of play. He steadfastly believed in "his" way.  Any changes he made were to try different combinations of personnel in an effort to find the right combination.  It quite literally took almost 4 years of discussions before he decided to finally change formations within his program. It didn't seem to matter that current personnel were better suited to playing something else.

I also witnessed another coaching colleague who changed formations and systems of play on a match by match basis which was no good either.  His players were largely inexperienced and his reason for the constant changes was in trying to find a competitive edge against each opponent.

My reason for change was grounded in the recognition that nothing was working as I had envisioned. Even when I narrowed it down to a few specifics to focus on improving I realized the players were likely lacking confidence in what I was asking them to do.  The formation and system were fine. They players are sound. The two just were not as good of match to one another as I had thought. No problem.  It was easier for me to change than to ask eighteen 17 & 18 year olds to do so.