Like most youth coaches, “Michael” is a volunteer coach. He had answered the call when the local association put out a notice about needing people to serve as coaches. He is the first to admit his inexperience as a coach and need to become more familiar with “the game,” but he is also not a novice to soccer. Michael has had to rearrange his work schedule a bit in order to make the league scheduled practices and games. He’s making it work, but at a bit of a financial loss to himself and his family. This is typical of Michael – the kids needed a coach, so Michael found a way to serve the children.
As we talked, it was obvious Michael had not fully considered what coaching youth soccer would entail. I’m reminded a bit of Miranda Lambert singing Everyone Dies Famous in a Small Town. Dependent somewhat on the sport and the community, youth coaches are on a public stage and are prone to being treated as other public figures in society are treated. If you win, you’re lauded and praised. If you lose, you are an incompetent idiot promoting your child and perhaps a few chosen friends interests and ignoring all else.
Yes, I have heard those comments directed at me as well.
I related to Michael two separate incidents to provide him food for thought.
The first situation occurred while I was a volunteer assistant coach at the local high school. My eldest son enjoyed soccer and the youth association needed coaches. I volunteered. I had previous coaching experience, but not much experience with soccer. I recognized the need to become a student of the game. So, I asked the high school coach, whom I knew from church, if I could observe some of their practices. This I did off and on for a couple of years. One day I was asked to come to high school team camp where I met a wonderful man and soccer coach who became a good friend – Graham Ramsay. I eventually decided to turn my notes from these experiences into “coaching manuals” for the youth soccer association because I knew others were following my path of volunteering and could undoubtedly benefit from my experiences – the good, the bad, the ugly.
In those early years of coaching soccer there was a young fella whose name was Patrick. After each of the first few seasons I coached Patrick I received the most glowing and complimentary thank you cards from Patrick and his parents. I still have those thank you cards.
I was eventually asked to join the high school coaching staff as a volunteer assistant coach and accepted that offer. My coaching of Patrick had dwindled to a role of volunteer club assistant at that point – a figurehead position with no actual coaching duties. At some point in time I apparently transformed into an incompetent ogre of a coach. At least, in the opinion of Mary and Joseph, Patrick’s parents. To this day, despite attempts to ascertain my transgression, I do not know what I did to so offend the family, but Mary and Joseph set about to make my life a living hell.
Both Mary and Joseph were school employees and the head coach brought it to my attention that they were “wearing out a path” to the athletic directors door. I asked what about. The only response I got was that they were complaining about me being a volunteer assistant coach. No details other than that. I had no direct contact with their son at practices as I was the goalkeeper coach and Patrick was a JV field player. I asked the head coach if I needed to speak with the athletic director about this and he indicated he didn’t think that would be a good idea. So, I followed my “boss’” lead and stayed above it all.
Mary eventually took to verbally assaulting my son from the sidelines at games. It was nasty and it was brutal. Again, Mary and Joe were school employees. After enduring two years of this, my son had had enough. He quit soccer and played football instead. I resigned from my position as a volunteer assistant with the high school soccer staff at the same time. I made it a point to address the athletic director when I did so. She stated she knew Mary and Joseph were out of control, that they were poor representatives of the school and apologized on behalf of the school while expressing regret that it had come to this. Little solace for my son and I at that point in time.
My point to Michael was simply this, stand up for yourself. Do not depend on someone else to defend you or fight your battles for you.
The second story centers around a spring time youth soccer league I founded to promote soccer in our school district. I volunteered all my time. I had a small core group of volunteers that helped me. We numbered a half dozen tops. I handled all registrations, the assigning of teams, recruitment of coaches, ordering of t-shirts, equipment and field supplies. We laid out the fields and kept them freshly painted. I had a lady, whose son is now the head coach at the high school, help with awards and end of year pizza parties. We did all this on a shoestring budget with any profits being redirected to the high school soccer programs.
The league was a huge success. We grew from approximately 70 youth in grades K-8th that first year to over 300 participants and two locations in the final year. People from surrounding communities, some up to 45 miles away, wanted to be a part of this program. Despite the astounding growth of our product, our brand, some people were not content. This is to be expected. With a rapidly growing organization serving increasing numbers there will be a malcontent or two.
In what proved to be the last year of the spring league a group came through who thought they were above the rules and protocols established for conducting the program. They added countless hours to my already tight schedule with their constant complaining and the complaints I fielded concerning them. Many of this groups stated concerns arose because they had not taken the time to read information provided to them. If they had read the printed materials, including a FAQ section, they would not have had to come to me in complaint. One particular parent came to my home to inform me to my face it was the most disorganized league she had ever seen. It wasn’t, she just wanted it to be something it was never intended to be. It wasn’t a good fit.
My point to Michael was simply this, sometimes your good intentions are not enough. This small vocal group of parents increased my volunteer work load to the point that it was no longer viable for me to continue. I offered to turn the program over to others – there were no takers once they learned the work load I carried to make it happen for the kids.
Michael has a son on the team he coaches. So my final point to be driven home was that unless he planned on moving he would remain in the same community and likely the same soccer community as the people he is dealing with. Yes, I still see Mary and Joseph on occasion. The lady who told me I was so disorganized? Our sons ended up playing on the same high school team together.
Michael asked if I was bitter over these incidents. I am not. I was most definitely upset and frustrated at the time. I learned long ago to focus on what I can control. If I wrong someone and realize that I have, I will apologize and ask forgiveness. In both situations I did what I could, in the one case what I was allowed to do. My only other responsibility was to forgive myself for becoming upset and frustrated and to forgive those who tried my patience. I have done that.
I used an adapted version of a well known Mia Hamm quote to make what I hope was the lasting impression on Michael.
The vision of a coach is spending your lunch break planning a practice or making out a lineup, arriving at the pitch before everyone else to prepare for practice and to be available for the players being dropped off early, dealing caringly and respectfully with multiple players and families, being the last to leave the pitch and after putting equipment away and policing the area being the adult waiting for the last of players to be picked up.
Michael, although you probably did not realize it at the time, this is what you signed up for. There will be uninformed parents who do not know or appreciate that you do so much more than just put starters into positions and send substitutions into the game. There are parents who will look upon you as a baby sitter providing them a couple hours free time away from their own kids This type of person often fails to recognize you coach because you love being around kids and desire to make a positive difference not only in their games but in their lives.
The positives far outweigh the negatives.
The negatives disappoint and hurt you because you care. You give your best (not perfect) effort on behalf of the players and it is difficult to hear someone denigrate your efforts and even your name. When you have been beaten down, remember the laughs … and tears… shared with team members. Sharing the heartbreak and doing your best to provide a comforting word when an own goal is scored or a game is lost. The huge smiles and genuine excitement when a player scores a great goal, makes a spectacular save or the team wins the game. Besides answering the call for volunteers, these are the reasons you coach and what makes it worth while for you to do so.