It doesn't help.

Another one from Facebook, Equally as good as the previous.  Credit for this one goes to Mark Maguire and CoachUp Nation. The original article can be found here 

During the 2014 season, I asked my then 11-year-old son: "What do all the children in the dugout think when their parents urge them on with ‘instructions’ and ‘encouragement’ as they are playing the game?" He said bluntly, “they don’t like it.”

I further pressed him, "What about when I call out some last second reminders just before you bat, you know, the things we’ve talked about during the week and to help you remember what to do?" Again, he didn’t mince his words and said, “Dad, it doesn’t help.”

He then went on to say, “When I am in the batter’s box, I follow the instructions of my third base coach and put myself in the zone to block every other noise out. It doesn’t help me, or any other kid when our parents are yelling things out.”

I was staggered by his confident appraisal of the situation.

I went away and talked to a couple of players from our club who had played for Australia and in the MLB minor leagues. They said their fathers always watched them quietly and never said a thing. Let me say that again: never said a thing. They may have cheered when their son and his teammates made a nice hit or play, but they never put their own egos out there to think they would make the last minute difference to their son’s success or failure in the game.

I saw Zac Shepherd's dad in the stands one day at a Sydney Blue Sox game -- Zac is from the Hills district in Sydney and playing in the Detroit Tigers' franchise. I watched him closely, very closely, looking for any signs of him shouting out encouragement or frustration from the stands. Nothing. Even when his son made an error in the field or was struck out -- nothing. I also saw the dad when he was watching his thirteen year-old son play -- and he acted the same way. He just looked pleased to be there and allowed the coaches to do their job without him interfering.

Over and over again, I read about the players that have gone far in the game and, without fail, the same story appears. The parents watched and enjoyed the game in silence. They let their athletes play and enjoy themselves without putting the heavy burden of having to please the parent.

You might think: but I know my child and I know what helps him or her. Really? Do you?

Baseball is a game designed for you to fail. There is a tremendous amount of pressure on our children when they go to bat or are alone on the mound. And here I was thinking I could make the difference to my own son by sneaking behind the dugout to say some ‘inspiring’ words; or have a special code I could call out that only he would understand; or, as he swung and missed, that my ‘wisdom’ during his at bat would make the difference between him getting on base or not.

My son’s words ring loud and true even as I type this blog, “Dad, it doesn’t help.” But I thought I was helping, and in reality, all I was helping was my own ego and my pride got in the way. Yes, it's my own ego and pride riding on every success and failure of what my child did out there. I know we like to blame the umpire, blame the coach, blame anything to explain why our child may not be doing what we hoped for. Why not stop blaming everybody else and let our children just have some fun out there with their teammates -- let the coach do the talking.

Even then, the coach can get in the way at times when he thinks he can give technical input during an athlete's at-bat. Let me tell you, it doesn’t help either. The time for technical input from the coach or parent is when the player is in the right frame of mind, like when they're training. 

Over Christmas I finished a book called the Matheny Manifesto. If you find it difficult understanding the concept of how much us parents get in the way, just read that book. His letter to the parents of the Little League team he was asked to coach went viral and that is what inspired the book. Look it up. Search for it. It is an eye-opener, and this is from the current coach of the St Louis Cardinals.

At the end of a game or practice now, when I am driving my son home, I’ll tell him I enjoyed watching him play and note some good things he and the team did. I’ll try to have a laugh with him about some errors or ground-outs he made. And if he is ready, and I have his ear, I may raise an issue I saw during the game...I may.

However, I’ll phrase it in the right way so he doesn’t think it is my ego and frustration doing the talking. Because, it’s not about me; it’s not about any of us parents. Don’t we wish our big, fat egos would just shut up? I wish mine did.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like yelling something ‘beneficial’ out. I still think I can make a difference. Those that know me know I am a fairly loud cheerer and quite the clown at some games. Even recently in Taiwan, during the U12 World Cup, I was loud and having a lot of fun in the stands. But I’ve learnt to stop yelling instruction… because, of course, “Dad, it doesn’t help.”

Oh, and if you find your athlete is always looking at you when he does something wrong on the field, it's probably because he thinks he displeased you. Next time, why not move spots so your child doesn’t know where you are. Our athletes want to please us so much already and it hurts them even more when they know our ego and pride is riding on the game.

Seriously, make yourself and your voice a ghost. Take the pressure off them and let them be athletes that love the game. This game that is set up for them to fail, but also will set up for them to learn some great lessons of life.

I’ve learned my lesson from wise and talented men who played the game at the highest level, from watching a dad who has two talented sons playing the game, and from the honest mouth of my son. It is a hard lesson, and one that will pierce our hearts. Let our children say to us when they reflect back on how much they enjoyed the game, “Dad, you were a great help.”

Yelling Parents

I saw this on Facebook recently. Overt the years I have tried to make this point in numerous ways to numerous people with varying degrees of success. This is short and sweet while driving the point home with precision and power.  

Yelling

We had been married about a year. My wife was on her way to take the CPA exam and unfortunately had an accident just outside the entrance to the examination facility. I rushed to the scene to find Christi uninjured. Our car was not so lucky. Besides the CPA exam she had studied so diligently for it seemed her greatest concern was how I was going to react to the car being totaled.

I gave Christi a hug, inquired if anyone else was injured and asked if she felt up to taking the CPA exam.  I did not yell or scream at her for having been in an accident and this seemed to surprise her. My reasoning for not doing so was very simple,  no amount of yelling or screaming was going to change the outcome of the accident.

I have seen coaches berate officials and their own players for mistakes made be the mistake real or perceived. To what end?  Players generally know when they make a mistake. Referee's very seldom change a call because of being yelled at. I'm just not sure what purpose yelling at someone after a mistake has occurred  serves.

I could have yelled at Christi that morning of the accident before the CPA exam, but had I done so I am fairly certain she would have done poorly on the tests.  As it was, Christi regrouped and proceeded to pass several sections of the CPA exam that day.

Athletes rebound from mistakes in much the same way. Chances are pretty good the athlete will recognize his own mistake without a coach drawing attention to it by scolding him in a booming voice heard by everyone in attendance. What constructive purpose is served by such actions?

I wrote awhile back about the best coaching tool on game day being a chair.  I believe the chair should be accompanied by ... silence ... from the coaching sideline.  Okay, not complete silence.  A coach should be encouraging and supportive in his communication with athletes on game day.  If an athlete is not performing to the coach's expectations whose fault is that?  The coach's for not having properly prepared the athlete in training is the likely answer. 

I believe the proper response to game day mistakes by athletes is for the athlete himself to find a different solution to the problem that forced the error.  Now, if the same athlete commits the same mistake repeatedly, then perhaps a substitution and sideline discussion exploring other possible solutions would be appropriate. Encouragement to more fully explore the game in search of better solutions to the problems being presented. Empower the athlete instead of berating and degrading him in a loud voice in front of his peers and everyone else present.

The same advice holds true for dealing with officials.  Is your yelling at an official really going to generate a positive response?  It is important to remember the referee will have had an entirely different view of the action than the one you had. In all likelihood the referee will have been closer to the action than you were.  If you must interact with a referee it might be best to inquire as to what he saw and do so in a calm manner.

What we are talking about in this article is relationships.

My relationship with my wife is a loving one and my concern was for her safety and that of others involved in the accident not a hunk of metal, plastic and rubber. The coach / player relationship must be built on honesty and trust.  Yelling at someone about an obvious mistake is hardly the way to go about establishing trust, is it?  And every coach needs to establish a working relationship with officials. You are far more likely to receive the benefit of the doubt on close calls if your relationship is congenial as opposed to the coach whose relationship with referees is confrontational, right?

Soccer is a Player Driven Sport.

"I had a coach who yelled and screamed at me constantly. If I made a decision he didn't agree with, he would yell at me. He would even try to tell me what to do with ball before I even received it.It's difficult to make a decision and carry it successfully when someone is second guessing you and giving conflicting instructions to the decision you have made. I would be preparing to play based on my decision or actually have the ball at my feet then hear him yelling for me to do something completely different. It broke my train of though. It confused my mind and therefore my body and more often than not led to a turnover that he blamed on me. It drained my confidence and made me second guess my decision-making. It made me a slower player, a worse player."

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The above is a quote from a player who was obviously frustrated with a coach yelling at him. "Michael" came to me after a high school game with watery eyes and ready to walk away from soccer. His coaches routinely yelled or shouted at him.  They were what I call "joy stick" coaches - they would have preferred to have joy sticks to control player decision making and actions on the field.  This is such am American approach to coaching soccer.

Most sports played here in the United States are coach driven. That is, the coaches make a vast majority of the decisions that influence the outcome of the game.  In American football, the coaches call the plays, call timeouts and make all major decisions for the players.  In basketball, the coaches call out plays and defenses, they call timeouts and otherwise dominate the game.  In baseball, coaches call the pitches from the dugout, the defensive coverages from the dugout, hit and runs or squeeze bunts, intentional walks  - all coaching decisions..

In soccer, there are no timeouts.  The pitch is typically 120 yards long by 70 yards wide with players spread out.  Coach to player communication in-game is limited... to yelling or shouting.  It should be limited to silent observation in-game, clear / concise player led communication at half and post game.  Then coach led communication in training.

A successful soccer match is player driven. 

A favorite mantra among soccer coaches is The game is the best teacher.

Practice what you preach coach!  Allow the game to be the voice the players hear. Mistakes will happen and players will learn from the mistakes they make. We favor experience but not the mistakes that provide the lessons to gain experience.  When it comes to in-the-game soccer coaching, Silence really is Golden.

Yelling at players during games.

I have written on this subject before, but was asked to do so again. Hey, I like to honor all reasonable requests!

With it being the middle of winter I am largely limited to watching basketball to feed my sports addiction.  I need not your sympathy for basketball was my first love and remains dear to my heart. At a recent high school basketball game I observed a coach berate a player for a mistake made and mumbled under my breathe that he was wrong for doing so.  I was overheard by someone sitting near by and an impromptu discussion on the subject of yelling at players took place and led to the request to once againshare my thoughts on the subject.  I've decided to do in bullet point style this time.

* No one is perfect. Everyone makes a plethora of mistakes each day. It's how we handle them that matters most.

* In an athletic contest, chances are pretty good the person who just made a mistake realizes it without you having to point it out to them.

* Yelling at or chastising a player for making a mistake is in and of itself a mistake as it continues a chain of negativity. And it can be particularly demoralizing if done in front of the team - the players teammates, peers and friends.

* No use dwelling on or belaboring a mistake. Put it behind you immediately and continue playing the game.  Break the chain of negativity immediately and move on to the Next Play!

* This is the biggie insofar as coaching is concerned;  if a player or team is not performing as you wish them to it is because you failed to properly prepare them to do so. Do not yell at players because you failed them - that makes no sense at all and only serves to make you look like a fool.

Obstacles or opportunities?  Mistakes will happen.  The quality of life, the quality of performance in an athletic contest, will be determined by how you handle mistakes.  If we treat a mistake as an obstacle to our success that is exactly what it will become.  If we approach each mistake, each failure, as an opportunity to learn our path to success will be shortened.

Do not yell or scream at players for mistakes made.  Teach from mistakes.